The imprinting of my childhood encouraged a belief system that I have struggled to release. In the depths of my heart a scared little girl whispered, “It won’t work out. There’s wild beast in the tall grass. You’ll be eaten alive. Don’t go out there. You’ll be out of control.” But time and again God would remind me, “I will not lead you, where my grace will not also sustain you.”

I am in the tall grass again. No mile markers. No signs. But this time I am doing something different. I’m letting the softness of each blade wisp across my skin. With my face to the sun, I am looking only to my God. I know I will not wander aimlessly here. Just as the stars lead the wise men, so shall they lead me. All I have to do is listen, look up, and follow the lead of Love.

Maybe it sounds cliché. Maybe it is. But what is the alternative, to stop simply because the road ended. Yes, I often ache to turn around. Yes my heart hurts. Yes I want to understand what can not be understood. But those are not options, if I intend on abundance.

“If we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten.” The paved road, is sure, but it is unchanging. If you want something different, go somewhere different. They say the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing and expecting different results.”

So, if you too are at the end of your road, if the pavement doesn’t go any further in this direction, breathe and keep walking. You will chart a path through the tall grass and likely be amazed at the beauty along the way!

—- sending you love wherever you are in the world

— Tyler Hayes

(If you are interested in ONE to ONE spiritual direction, please go to my website for information and click the tab “one to one”.) www.tylerhayes.net

The preacher’s message began, as most Good Friday messages do, “they hung Him on a cross.  He bleed to death and while dying cried out, ‘Father why have you forsaken me’.  Then they laid him in a grave, a seeming mockery of so many people’s faith.  How could He have promised so much and now they were left with nothing but the humiliation of His death.”

Their heads hung, in remembrance, but mostly in identification.  After all, most of us feel or have felt forsaken, abandoned, hopeless, lost, and confused by promises that don’t seem anywhere near coming to fruition.

However, the preacher man didn’t stop there.  With the choir humming behind him, he stood on the tips of his toes, with all the volume he could muster he yelled out…..

IT’S FRIDAY, BUT SUNDAY’S A COMIN!

With that, their faces lit up.  Amen’s were shouted all over the room.  Yes, it was true, Jesus had died, been laid in a grave, made to be a public spectacle, and ridiculed.  However, His death was not permanent.  The heart ache of so many was three short days away of becoming a heart song!   Resurrection was on the way!  Though unseen, it was in progress, already happening, almost here.

Maybe it’s your Friday.  I know it feels hopeless when all possible outcomes seem domed, when you can’t see how anything is going to work out.  I know because I have felt it.  I have lived it.  There are even days in the not so distant past where I have struggled to find answers, reasons, solutions, and come up empty-handed.

But here, my friends, is the truth…….SUNDAY’S A COMIN!

No matter what it seems like the truth is “God is causing all things to work together for good…”!  The truth is none of us have been forsaken.  There is a resurrection already in place!  There is a solution already designed.  It is coming.  Even as we grieve, we can rejoice.

Whatever it feels like now, it won’t feel that way forever.   May this Easter blow through you a new and fresh wind of hope!  May it be a reminder that you are never ever alone.  Even if you have lost everything, you have not lost the one thing that changes it all…… Sunday’s a comin!

—- Tyler Hayes

— sending you love wherever you are in the world.

I expect to wake up, everyday!   Because, for 36 years, 6 months, and 3 days, I have woken up, breathing, fully alive.  My days have, at times, brushed up against excruciating pain.  I have cried bottles of tears from heart breaks and heartaches.  I have also danced, laughed, sung, created, held babies, fallen in love, experienced rapture, lived in phenomenal places, flown in planes, ridden boats & motorcycles & horses.  My life is and has been full of friends, family, recovery, and hope.  God has walked with me through this journey of mine, allowing me to experience the miraculous in the midst of the ordinary.  In looking at the woman in the mirror, I can say with confidence, I am blessed!

For the most part, I have not felt death in my inner circle.  Therefore, when it blows near me, I am continuously amazed, befuddled, and nearly speechless. What I find most profound, is that in grief people reflect on the joy of life, and yet in life we can easily forget the joy entirely.

I am moved tonight to recommit to the sacredness of the moment.  To sit, even if only for 5 quiet minutes, listen to my breath, and from within my bone marrow to say, “Thank You”, for the beating of my heart.

Death has this unusual way of reminding me to live.

I am not sure if my Gran Gran, Grandmama, D-daddy, or Gigi, can see this journal entry or if they can even see me.  However, I am fairly certain of what they would all say to me from the other side…

” Tyler, what you think matters, what you worry about, doesn’t matter at all.  What really matters is love, because it’s the only thing you take with you when you go, and the only true thing you leave behind.”  Gigi would tell me to sing more.  D-daddy would invite me to sit in the recliner beside him, forget the calories, eat a bowl of ice cream, and watch the braves.  (Translated that would mean: pause and enjoy life).   Grandmama would make me a cake, write me a letter, and remind me that we are never alone.  Gran Gran would mirror dignity, humility, and grace.  She would encourage me to not have heirs about me, but to walk with compassion and sincerity toward all people.

Sometimes, I forget how to live because I worry so much about doing it.  Every once in a while, that gentle nudge comes, as breath starts and stops, as life translates into mystery, or as it is born into being.  Tonight, I am sitting with my breath, saying “Thank You” to God, hoping that I love always, with all my heart.

—- Tyler Hayes

— sending you love wherever you are in the world

Turns out panic is a giant jumble of feelings.  It’s like there are simply too many feelings at once and the neurological system hits it’s code red button.  The body, in response to what the mind is telling it, shoots off adrenaline and cortisol.  The chest tightens, breath is shortened, and a feeling of insanity floods the mind.

These days, I can say, those feelings are very rare, thank the good Lord!  However, every once in a while, I’ll find a familiar sense of stress trying to trigger an anxious response.  When this happens, I pause, and say, okay God, what do I need to hear, what is my body telling me?  I breathe.  I stop what I’m doing.  I give myself the benefit of the doubt.  I can hear my therapist in my mind saying, “ your inner child is flooding you.  She doesn’t know what to do.  She’s scared.  Pull her in close.”

Rather than running away from it all, I see her.  I look inward and say, when do you first feel this, Tyler?  The sense of urgency will quell.  I remind myself I am a competent grown woman. I am not helpless, though my inner child believes I am.  The truth is, I am not helpless at all.  While a part of me that was traumatized becomes afraid.  A bigger part of me, the recovered part of me, rises up.

I know God has brought me to this tender place, to heal me.  As He says, over and over in scripture, whenever speaking to someone, so He says to me, “Be not afraid.”

“We aren’t going back, Tyler.  We are going through.”  He whispers.

Today, I trust Him.  I go with Him.  I let that little part of me have all her feelings, but instead of trying to figure it out, I take her to the wide strong arms of Love.

“He can hold this for us,”  I tell her.

“We aren’t alone,” I say.  “Even when it felt like we were alone, we weren’t, He was always here. Always.”

After a while, my spirit, my inner child, and my grown up woman, all believe the same thing.  “I am safe.”  And as my friend Morgan says, “God is with me.  God is with me.  God is with me.”

If you are afraid today, feeling overwhelmed, brushing up against anxiety, or drowning in a sea of panic, I want to tell you three things:

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY AND YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY.
A YOUNGER PART OF YOU IS VERY SCARED.  THAT PART OF YOU IS TRYING TO SURVIVE YOUR PRESENT CONDITION.  TELL THE INNER CHILD, THEY DON’T HAVE TO DO IT.  YOU AND GOD HAVE GOT THIS.
STOP. BREATHE.  CRY.  ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH AND BREATHE IN THESE WORDS,

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW.

There is something magical about children’s honesty.  It is humble and real.  They are at such a disadvantage in the material world, depending on adults for their every need.  However, in the spiritual world, they are the privileged and we, the grown ups, are the disadvantaged.  A child will ask for help, cry when it hurts, hold on when they’re weak, sing without shame, dance because its fun, live in the middle of the moment, and trust that life is and will always be safe.

RELEASE THE NEED TO KNOW

Carolyn Myss, said, the ‘need to know’ will kill you faster than anything else.  It becomes an obsession of the mind that takes over our lives, to the point that we have no life.  We get so busy trying to figure it all out, while preparing to prevent any possibility of pain.

I have spent so much of my life preparing for my life, that I think I’ve missed a handful of really wonderful moments.  My obsession with “knowing”, kept me from experiencing right where I was.  I would give God the pencil, “Ok, you write the story,” I’d say, and then, “but could you just tell me, what happens in chapter 27?”  “Oh and, do I get to have a baby?”  “Oh and one more thing, on page 8675 can you make sure I don’t have to cry for very long over that broken heart I see there?  By the way, why do I have a broken heart anyway?  Who is gonna break my heart?”

Before I knew it, I’d take the pencil back and try to write it all myself.  I’d analyze, theorize, and hypothesize, ad nauseam.  Strangely, for a brief moment, I’d feel in control, followed quickly by feelings of insanity, and ultimately be right back where I started, confused and afraid.

Well, friends, here’s the deal, ” I can not know”.   The pain, doesn’t make sense until I’m through it.  The joy is always in the moment.  Fear isn’t real.   And love is very real.  Above all, God has a plan, and it’s good, real good.  I’m not saying the plan means no tears, that would mean no life.  Reality has tears.  What I’m saying is, God is a better author than I am.  Trying to figure out what He’s gonna write next, trying to “know”, keeps me from my right now and Love is in the right now!

Maybe your like me, you’ve been ‘dying’ to know.  Release it!  Knowing doesn’t change anything.  Understanding who, what, why, when, and where, doesn’t change anything.  I’m not totally there yet.  There are parts of my life I want  solid and for sure, and they aren’t settled.  Big chunks of my life are up in the air.  Thankfully, God not only writes, He flies, so ‘up in the air’ is no problem for Him either.

Little by little, bit by bit, I’m learning to enjoy my life, to let myself have the moment and trust that not only do I not know, but I don’t have to know.

“In the end everything will be ok.  If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” – anonymous

—- Tyler Hayes

—- sending you love where you are in the world

THE HIGHER THE EXPECTATION, THE LOWER THE SERENITY

Speaking from my own experience, when I first ask the question, I felt a rush of bitterness, followed quickly by disappointment.  My expectations for those I love have been high, and subsequently my serenity has often been remarkably low.  Many a night, I have lied awake, tossing back and forth, clutching a tear-stained pillow, completely obsessed with the thought of desperately wanting someone in my life to change.  Nights of crying myself to sleep were as much apart of my youth as they were my adult life.   I wanted to know how to position myself in just the right way, so that I might stir in them a willingness to want more, to want me, to want life!

If that had been where I stopped, I would have to answer the question, “do people change?”, with a “No”.  Not because they don’t change or they didn’t change, but because the didn’t change in the way I thought was necessary for my happiness.  In some cases their behavior stayed the same.  In some cases they modified their behavior.  However, in all cases my expectations remained, unchanged.

One friend wrote in to the Facebook question and said, “I would have to start by asking myself, ‘have I changed?’”.   Her response struck me, piercing through my inflated ideas about what would be best for others, and forcing my gaze into the mirror.

HAVE I CHANGED?

Yes and No.  Yes, I have changed a good bit of my life.  I was a daily drinker and today, I haven’t had a drink in over 12 years.  I use to be a bit fat, today, I’m at a moderate weight.  I was married, now I’m divorced.  For years I identified with my trauma, today I identify with my God & my healing.  So, yes, I have changed.

And, No, I haven’t fully changed the part of me that still holds a belief that a part of my happiness is dependent on someone else changing.  If she will do ______, then we’ll be happy.  I’ll feel safe.  Life will be better.  If he quits _______, then there will be peace in our home and we’ll be able to move forward with the dreams we have.

Whatever, the case may be, I have spent so much time trying to convince people to change, instead of changing myself or at least acknowledging the parts of me I can not change.  Though I have often said it, I am not sure if I have truly meant it, or let it sink in:

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE

THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN

AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

People don’t change, I change.  In other words, nobody changes according to my agenda.  I am the only one I can change.  When I get busy about the business of changing myself, when I take responsibility for my life, my actions, my dreams, my goals, then yes, PEOPLE CHANGE.

— Tyler Hayes

—- sending you love wherever you are in the world

—- follow me on twitter at:  tytyhayes

Like The Night VOCAL 2

(Click the above link to hear the song)

Valentine’s evening I was running around the house trying to get ready for a date night with my guy!  With wet hair and half of my make up on, he sat me down on the edge of the bed and handed me a black box.

“What is this,” I asked?

Smiling, he said, “Open it.”

Inside was the most beautiful necklace.  It had been made by a close friend, who happens to be a fantastic artisan.   Hand woven wire wrapped around sterling silver beads and yellow citrine.  A stunning cross pendant hung from the center.  The cross had been shipped from India, delicately crafted, so that there were no other ones like it.  There hung a small key and the face of an angel, randomly positioned high up on either side of the necklace as well.

My heart fluttered.  I was excited.  Of course, I loved the necklace, but there was another feeling that floated to the surface.   My eyes filled up with tears. Not sad tears, not happy tears, but hot tears.  Overwhelmed, I took a deep breath and realized, I had no idea how to receive this gift, not because it was extravagant or expensive, but because it was from his heart and I knew it.  Holding that cross in my hand I could feel the love piercing through my walls of control.

It occurred to me in that moment, that my fear of losing control, keeps me from experiencing intimacy, bliss, joy, and love.  I’d rather give than receive, teach than learn, help than be helped.  Fear tells me I’m safer if I’m holding the wheel.  And yet, it’s really hard to enjoy the scenery with your hands clutched at 10 and 2, eyes glued to the gravel.

Life and love can not be managed, the must be experienced moment by moment, breath by breath.

I don’t want to miss my life because I had to be in control of it!  The worst thing I can think of is getting to the other side and hearing God say, I had so much for you, but you wouldn’t let me give it to you.  The imprint of a broken childhood teaches us to believe that all things are broken, that all people leave, that the outcome is generally negative and most things don’t work out.  Parts of us are stuck at the age we were originally wounded by the dis-ease of our parents.  In those places we are unable to rationalize or believe anything other than the pain we have experienced.  However, those places are old.  Those stories are over and so are their crappy endings!

What we fear has already happened.

The rest of the evening he had planned out with the things I love the most.  Sushi.  Flowers.  A movie ( with popcorn and pnut m&ms!).  A card, with a written letter (my favorite).    And you know what, I let myself have it, all of it, an awesome boyfriend, a fantastic date night, laughter, joy, and true love!

Maybe we don’t have what we want in life, simple because we’re so busy being in control, managing our pain, afraid of intimacy, that we actually don’t let ourselves have something wonderful.

— Tyler Hayes

— sending you love where ever you are in the world

— follow me on twitter  tytyhayes

09 BETTER FOR A BROKEN HEART (click to hear the song!)

I woke up this morning, fluffed my cushion of justified anger, and was just about to take a seat when I heard, “Wait!  Not so fast!” So, I poured a cup of coffee, said my morning prayers and once again heard, “Wait!”.   I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes, the pounding in my chest, and I whispered to God, “I’m really hurt.”  As the words fell from my lips, I realized why my spirit had encouraged me to pause before diving head first into the anger.

The beauty of spending years in recovery groups, is that the slogans, principles, and traditions become ingrained.  You can hear them even when you don’t want to.  There they were, bubbling up inside, louder and bigger than my feelings, keeping me from re-acting.

“People’s opinion of me is none of my business.”  “First things first.” ” Does it matter, really?”  “Anger is a luxury we can not afford.”  “Resentment is the number one offender…it will kill us.”  “Let go and let God.” And…. “THIS TO SHALL PASS”.

Washed in these words, I took a deep breath and allowed my spirit to speak.  What came to me was this:  When someone hurts my feelings, my instinct is to react and be hurtful back.  Let’s be honest, there’s a bit of a Cruella Deville in all of us.  She’s glamorous and filled with ideas of how to make other people pay.  She’s says things like, “don’t screw with me” and “I dare you…”   The odd thing is, her poison never kills the intended victim.  The bitterness of hate only kills us.  Even when we are justified, wrongly accused, and treated poorly, retaliation never ever hurts someone else as much as it hurts us.

So I continued to listen and I heard:  “You become what you hate by hating.”  In other words, the very heartache you feel when someone is unkind to you, you create when for yourself when you are unkind to them.  It’s a spiritual axiom.

I accepted that truth and swung the pendulum to the other side.  “Okay, I won’t hate,” I said, “but I need to talk to someone about this,”  which is code for:  I want to gossip so people will see how right I am and how wrong the other person is.

Again I got the PAUSE button.  I knew, almost instantly, that gossip was the flip side of the same coin.

I took another breath and said, “Ok, God, then, would it be alright if I just crawled up in your lap and cried for a while?”  To that I heard, “Yes! Yes! Yes!…. and I will wipe away the tears of your eyes!”

There was my truth.  I was hurt.  I needed to cry.  Like a little girl, I needed to crawl up in my daddy’s lap and tell him what it felt like in my heart and then like a woman, I needed to put on my big girl panties and CHOOSE LOVE.

So, there you have it.  I choose love.  Even if I think I’m right, even when I’m sure I’m justified, even when it hurts like hell, I choose love.

— Tyler Hayes

—sending you love wherever you are in the world today

— follow me on twitter at  tytyhayes

However, unlike all other creatures on the planet we have the power to love and the power to hate.  Shamefully we destroy our own.

My life has led me to several cities, New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, & Nashville.  None of those cities were close to my family, therefore my girlfriends became my family.  There are a handful of women who have literally carried me, walked with me, and loved me through difficult and dark hours.   And I too have walked with them.

Over the last few years I have experienced a breach with some of my most intimate girlfriends.  It has been extremely  painful.  I always believe there is never one person at fault, when two people are in a relationship and so I will readily admit that I too have a part. Figuring out my part, without blaming, has brought insight and freedom to my aching heart!

I’ve talked to several women who have been through the same story, different reasons and circumstances, but ultimately the same breach in a deeply intimate friendship.  So I have to ask the question, why?

Why do we take sides?  Why do we gossip?  Why are we jealous?  Why do we hurt each other?  And like the Black Eyed Peas said, “where is the love?”   What happened to “The Red Tent”, to our unity?

The days of our teenage insecurities, pom poms, cat fights, and boyfriend rivalry, must come to an end.  We are not girls, but we are teaching them.  Every time we gossip, we not only teach them to gossip, but we give the universe permission to put them at the hands of someone else’s  harsh words.  What we set in motion, we will have to ultimately face.  The grace we do not extend, we will be hard pressed to receive when our own backs are against the wall.

When we choose sides, we give credence to the idea that there are sides.  We create our own dualism and them wonder why we feel left out, hurt, and abandoned, when in fact it was our own actions that drew the dividing line in the first place.

I am not exempt from this behavior.  I’m no saint!  But I’m writing because I want to extend an invitation to all of us, myself included.

May we resolve to cherish our sisterhood.  May we teach girls to lay aside petty grievances and become women of character!  May we respect the boundary of another woman’s man.  May we hold each other as we wish to be held, in high esteem and regard.  May we not forget how desperate we are for each other, that it really does take a village, and that we are that village!

—- sending you love wherever you are in the world

—- Tyler Hayes

follow me on twitter:  tytyhayes

I woke up thinking about how much time I spend wrapped up in some sort of drama or worry or fear.  Its subtle, cunning, and yet very powerful.  In my lowest self, there is the temptation to be consumed by the need to be right, to be chosen, to be first, to be important, special, and singled out.  My ego, if I fuel it, will drive me into places that seem relevant, but in the end will have absolutely no merit at all.

I’ve come to believe the most effective tactic of darkness is not to strike us with some tragedy, but to keep us spinning in the meaningless, making it seem like it matters.

Over the last year my life has taken some drastic turns.  There have been many opportunities to judge, to care what people think about me, and to assume I know what they think about me.  More often than I’d like to admit,  I have set my sights on getting something I wanted without prayer to see if it’s what God wants for me.  I’ve lost myself in gossip and petty discussions.  Sadly, there have been moments when I almost allowed hate to make a nest inside of me.  And for what, I ask myself?  For what?

If I’m right, who cares?  If I’m wrong, who cares?  The real question is, does it matter?

Sometimes people are going to believe things about us that aren’t true.  What difference does that make?  The only way it makes a difference is if I let myself get caught up in disproving it, in fighting it, in blaming.  The moment I step into a lie, even to prove the truth, I become a part of the lie.  It’s so easy to get lose my life defending my ego.

My time on this earth is a gift.  I don’t want to spend one moment of my gift lost in meaningless fodder.  This is the question I am asking myself:  Not, have you loved me?, but HAVE I LOVED YOU?  Have I shown mercy?  Have I been gracious?  Am I kind?  Am I truthful?  Do I see your pain, suspend judgement, and make room for it?  Can I let go of what you think about me, knowing that it doesn’t have anything to do with me?  Can I get out of the past and the future?  Am I willing to lay my ego aside, to let anyone say anything, and to trust that me and my God know the truth and that is enough?

Laying all things aside, can I get about the business of what matters?  In the end, when I stand before the strongest outpouring of Love, will I hear, “good for you, you were right” or will I hear, “well done my good and faithful servant, you figured out what really matters”?

—- Tyler Hayes

—- sending you love wherever you are in the world

—- follow me on twitter:  tytyhayes